Bette's list of things to fix:
Page 42: Que sera sera. Need feminine: ma petite
Page 48: That was not a sign.
Page 50: flourescents
Page 51: cliché
Page 56: They were close to the ball field (drop comma) now.
Page 63: She walked over to the other car. Opened the door. Sat down. (Maybe move her into the car. Could be she just sat down on the ground.)
Page 64: He said nothing. Then he said, "Nothing (nothin’)." ???
Page 76: Bottom of page - But release me from by (my) bands with the help"
Page 91: Middle of page - Pamela should be cooking supper (drop comma) about now.
Middle of same paragraph - need space between break for eating out and She’d have on her
Very bottom line: he imagined her peeling potatoes (drop comma) now
Page 92: Into the kitchen works better for my ears than door onto the kitchen. Moot point.
Page 106: It brushed the back of her neck
Page 119: Need discreet for discrete / Pentecostal for Pentacostal
Page 124: She eyed at (drop) the carpet
Page 125: seems to be an extra page
Page 126: first line - drop comma between Escambia and River
Page 127 - top line - don’t think you want "which"
I’ve never seen anyone construct an ellipsis the way you do - but I ain’t fixin’ to question such a pro
Page 131 - middle of the page: She had sought to protect her little girl from the harshness of the world in her childhood . . . I’m certain you mean Willodean’s childhood - but is a hint confusing
Page 133: Just below the middle - decap Daddy
Page 136: seems to be an extra page
Page 138: Toward end of 3rd complete pp - ignited a fire inside (the) walls
bottom line - opened at (in) both of the churches - Moot point
Page 141: opening line - Is it just me or does that line present a bit of a pov problem?
Page 142: I thought barbershop poles were red and white - and have never seen one with blue. You know the history of them - right? Barbers used to be surgeons - or at least that’s the old saw I learned - hence the red and white.
Page 146: 1st sentence - last full pp: Willodean recalled how Jake used (to) close his shop on Thursdays, as if the day was (were) a holiday Willodean might think "was" - so also (yet again) moot point
Page 151: LOVE "casket the color of history"
Page 152: four lines down: need inscribed for enscribed End of that pp: eyes to the carpet between her toes (sounds barefoot)
Page 153: middle of the page - Do you need a space between Lord-uh! And Brother John? Looks very close - but may be just my eyes
Page 154: need ? At end of last full pp
Page 161: just below middle: Sometimes in the night, it would come back to him as if it was (were) yesterday
Page 165: just above the middle - decap Daddy
Page 170: Or maybe the Devil had simply recalled how many years he had promised the Centennial Man for his birthday (on that long ago birthday?).
Page 177: 2nd line - short too short
Page 178 - 1st full pp - Piney woods and river swamps were good for nothing else but the cutting. Cain’t cut them river swamps, ol’ buddy. Or maybe you can - but it stopped me.
Page 184 - bottom of 1st pp - need sunlight for sun light
Page 188: Now this one kinda made me really smile. End of 2nd full pp - sounds as though you’re referring to the droppings of the four horse-riders Last full pp - need gaiety for gaity
Page 189: Please read that last sentence of the pp that begins "I saw a pale horse." If he doesn’t hear her cry, he can’t hear the echo of her pain.
Page 195: right above middle - Sweet Potato (Queen) costume ???
Page 205: Please read line that starts "Sheldon drives home, but his wife’s car . . ." - then "He keeps driving." Think you need to move him out of the driveway first. Last line on that page - and the man says something to (the) boy that Sheldon
Page 206: 3 lines up from bottom - Sheldon tells Wally how he had her passed (how he had passed her) on the road.
Page 209: 2nd pp - Century, Florida (drop comma) is real Clear as mud is a cliché that you aren’t allowed. Sorry.
2 Comments:
I agree with ALMOST everything Bette noted except for a couple:
((Page 64: He said nothing. Then he said, "Nothing (nothin’)." ???))
The idea was that, asked what he was thinking about, Jack first gave no reply. Then he replied that he was thinking about "nothing." I moved the second sentence to a separate line to emphasize the difference, i.e.,
He said nothing.
Then he said, "Nothing."
((Page 142: I thought barbershop poles were red and white - and have never seen one with blue. You know the history of them - right? Barbers used to be surgeons - or at least that’s the old saw I learned - hence the red and white.))
Here, I'm writing about a pole that I recall from home. It had all three patriotic colors, alternating white, red, white, blue, white.
((Page 205: Please read line that starts "Sheldon drives home, but his wife’s car . . ." - then "He keeps driving." Think you need to move him out of the driveway first. ))
Here is a bad, bad thing: reading this note I realized that I had sent the trio an earlier-than-finished version of the book. There was more to Sheldon's last circle of town that Sunday, including a dream sequence as he drowsed in the car. I must now grovel and attempt to make amends...
From Bette: "One last stand about the barbershop pole: Just 'cause it's true doesn't mean you have to use it. It does make for a nice little patriotic twist (no pun intended) - but it just doesn't work for me. Still think you oughta drop the blue - but hey! that's just one old broad's opinion."
Tony's response: (Point made. I concede.)
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